


Not Quite Noir

by sunalso



Series: Sun Does MCU Kink Bingo 2018 [6]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Detective Noir, F/M, Fluff and Smut, PWP, Sort Of, roleplaying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 05:45:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15723201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunalso/pseuds/sunalso
Summary: He’s a jaded private investigator who likes whiskey and women. She’s a dish in a red dress and a penchant for theft. Or something like that. Set in a verse where Coulson and May are a couple after a much happier ending to S5.Beta'd by Gort.





	Not Quite Noir

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gort](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gort/gifts).



The fedora itched, and Phil grabbed the brim, pulling it low over his eyes before straightening his black tie.

The day had been hot, and the evening wasn’t much better. He was sitting in his office with the lights off as the shadows in the corners deepened. The drawer of his desk squeaked as he opened it, but the whiskey he pulled out poured willingly. Condensation beaded on the glass and a drop rolled down the side.

He threw the liquor back, and it blazed down his throat. But it wasn’t enough to burn away the weariness in his soul.

Phil coughed as the booze seared just a little too much. He set the glass down in the drawer with a thump and rearranged his hat again.

There was a knock on his office door as he shut the drawer. “Closed for the night,” he called.

“But I need your help,” said a sultry voice.

Phil perked up and wiped his palms on his pants. “Always willing to help a lady.”

The door clicked open, and the woman on the other side sashayed in. She closed the door and locked it before tossing her dark hair over her shoulder as she turned to face him. The woman was stunning in a slinky red dress that hugged all her curves in a way that made his mouth dry. Her lipstick was as blood red as her dress, and her smoky eyes appraised him like he was a side of beef for sale.

“You’ll do,” she drawled. She walked toward him in her sky-high red stilettos and leaned a hip against his desk. For a moment it appeared like she was trying to fight a smile, but then her expression smoothed out. “I need a detective.”

“Oh good,” he said, and she raised an eyebrow. He cleared his throat. “Uh, I might know one that’s available.”

“My name’s Melinda, but you can call me May.”

The elusive Melinda May, well known international art thief. She must be in quite the pickle if she needed his help.

“Ag…uh, Detective Coulson, but you can call me Phil.” It was hard to keep his cool when a lady looking like sin come to life was gazing at him like that. “What can I help you with? You’re far too beautiful to stay in trouble for long.”

The corner of May’s mouth ticked upwards. “It seems I…misplaced something valuable. That wasn’t mine.”

“And you want to pay me to find it?”

“I want to pay you not to find it.”

He leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers. “I charge a pretty penny to not find things.”

May frowned. “I don’t have a lot of dough.” She leaned across the desk, giving him an exquisite view down the front of her dress, and put a single finger on his tie, over his heart. “But I’m certain we can make some kind of mutually beneficial…arrangement.”

Phil stared down at her finger as he tried to get his voice to work.

“Well?” she asked.

“I can think of few things you could do,” he managed to get out. Dang, this was hard. Probably because he was hard. Uh, hard-boiled. He was a hard-boiled detective. He surreptitiously adjusted his erection, which was pushing uncomfortable against the zipper of his slacks.

May slid off the desk and slinked around the side. He swiveled in his chair, and she paused with her hand on the corner of his desk. Her nails were a bright red too. She’d really gotten done up for this.

“You look very nice tonight,” he said.

“We’re not supposed to break character,” May hissed under her breath.

Oh, right.

Phil cleared his throat. He was a spy, a great one. He could do this.

Taking off his hat, he tossed it onto his desk, then leaned forward. “I can drive a pretty hard bargain.”

“I bet you can, detective,” she purred. “And I aim to find out.”

Her hand glided up her leg. There was a split in her dress that went nearly the entire way up her thigh, and he had to fight for breath as her fingers found her garter belt. She undid it and pulled it off, showing him the empty holster. “I just wanted you to know, detective, that I’m unarmed.”

“A broad with curves like you is always dangerous.”

May’s smile was wicked. “Guns can go off so unexpectedly.”

“I assure you mine does not.” Phil stood. “But you’re welcome to check and make sure everything is in working order.”

“That sounds like a plan, detective.” She hooked two of her fingers over the top of his belt buckle. “But I need your promise that what’s missing, is going to stay missing.”

“I’m going to look high and low for it, but I can assure you, it’ll never be found.”

“Perfect.” May tugged him forward and into a blazing hot kiss.

Oh yeah, that was the stuff.

Phil put a hand on her hip and backed her up against the desk. With an arm, he swept the blank papers and a few unbreakable items onto the floor before helping her hop up to sit on the polished wood. Her red dress rode up as she spread her legs and he stepped between them.

May broke the kiss. “Is that a gun, detective, or are you just happy to see me?”

“I’m always happy to see you.” That might have been breaking character again, but he didn’t get reprimanded for it this time.

May was too busy tugging getting his belt undone.

He palmed her breasts, enjoying the way her breathing hitched. The material of her dress was silky, and his hands glided over her.

“This dress is as slippery as you are,” he murmured in her ear, thinking of the art thief she was supposed to be playing.

She whimpered and fisted her hands into his shirt, pulling him closer before she seemed to remember what she was doing. “You’re good at putting clues together, why don’t you tell me?”

Phil brushed her hair over her shoulder. “Your pupils are wide, your headlights are on—” he swirled a thumb over the hard bud of her nipple “—and your cheeks are warm. I bet you’re very slippery indeed.”

Her hands went for his pants again. While she undid the button and lowered his zipper, he pulled his shirt out of his waistband and loosened his tie. May pushed his slacks down and hooked a leg around his waist.

“You sure you’re up for this, detective?” she asked as she wrapped her hot hand around his cock.

He groaned. “I believe you’ve already figured out that I am.”

There was a thud as May kicked off her high heel shoe. She dug her heel into his ass to spur him on. Lining up their bodies, she sighed as he thrust inside her.

Phil paused as his eyes closed. This moment was always sacred, one he didn’t take for granted.

“Better hurry,” she said, nipping at his earlobe. “I’ve got places to be, expensive things to steal.”

“So, you’re telling me I’m preventing crime by keeping you here as long as possible?”

May’s head tilted. “Move.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He rocked his hips, driving into her with the sharp rhythm he knew she liked. There wasn’t any reason to take the roleplaying so far as to pretend he didn’t know what his girlfriend enjoyed.

She moaned, and her hips rolled. Phil pushed her back slightly and braced his hands on the desk.

“You like this?” he growled against her neck.

May felt around on the desk, then plopped his hat back on his head at a rakish angle. “Now I do. Make it harder, detective.”

“I’m not sure you can handle harder.”

“Try me.”

He stroked more firmly inside her and grunted in appreciation as she tightened her inner muscles around him.

May was grinding herself against him with every stroke and judging from the little noises she was making and the vice-like grip of her leg, she was getting close.

He kissed her neck, and her head fell back.

When she reached her peak, she tightened up, and her hips jerked, but she didn’t make a noise as her nails dug into his shoulders. Her channel pulsed and he paused for a moment, enjoyed the feel of her pleasure. May never exactly came undone, but this was close enough.

He began thrusting again, reaching for his completion now.

May smiled at him. “I bet you’re getting off on having an international art thief pinned down.”

“You’re always three steps ahead,” he puffed. Which was pretty much the truth at all times anyway. “I should probably ask you where you’re going to be tomorrow night at seven pm?”

She let out a startled laugh. “Are you going to tell me?”

“Dinner, that new Italian joint. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“I can’t wait.” She leaned closer. “Back in character, detective.”

He nodded, words failing him. His sac drew up, and with a few last plunges, he came with a grunt. The bliss radiated out from his groin as he emptied himself. May stroked his back as he came down.

Finally, she pushed him away. “Well, I hoped that I’m paid in full now.”

“Eh.” Phil shrugged a shoulder. “It’s a start.”

May rolled her eyes. “I’ll just be leaving then. It was nice meeting you, detective.”

“Same. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” He pulled open the drawer with the whiskey but wasn’t sure he needed another glass. He was still too drunk on the women standing in his office.

She turned, and her hips swayed as she walked towards the door. Phil watched her go. Walking out of his life like the thief she was, having stolen his heart. She looked back at him once, then closed the door behind her. For a moment, her silhouette was etched on the frosted glass of the door’s window.  

The door creaked back open. “Don’t be too late coming to bed,” May said. “You have that early morning meeting with Mack…Love you.”

“Love you too, thanks for this.”

She nodded, and the door clicked closed again.

Phil took his hat off and scratched his head.

What a dame.


End file.
